The Ultimate Betrayal Trauma Resource Guide

When you are married to an addict and/or abuser a lot of the typical marriage advice just doesn’t apply, in fact it can be downright dangerous. Tips on how to love your husband more and serve him more can just feed the abuse. For example following the  telling you to never go to bed on angry feelings just might be forcing you into a difficult conversation with an addict who is in a bad frame of mind which can then escalate to full-blown abuse. Remember you are not a codependent; you are a spouse in betrayal trauma. You and your spouse each need to heal yourselves before you can heal the marriage.

Most marriage and relationship advice is based on the assumption that there are two willing partners both ready to give their all to the relationship. When dealing with addiction and abuse this is frequently not true as the addict/abuser has no interest in changing their ways to make the relationship more healthy. Their goal is to change their spouse to fit their expectations and fantasies. Even when your dealing with an addict in active recovery there are a lot of unhealthy thought patterns that are ingrained into the way they handle relationships. Healthy boundaries are still essential and will be different from the ones a couple in a healthy relationship maintains.

The Ultimate Betrayal Trauma Resource Guide for Women Who are Dealing With Addiction and Abuse in Their Partner | muchnessmama.com |

The following is a list of resources that myself and others I trust recommend for those dealing with an addict and/or abuser.

Healing From Betrayal Trauma

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal

Intimate Deception

Helping Her Heal (directed towards the sex addict, but very good info for wives and extremely validating)

Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts

Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed

The Body Keeps the Score Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Feelings Buried Alive Never Die

Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder: The Six Stages of Healing

Before the Dust Settles (Advice from a Sex Addict’s Wife): 8 Mistakes to Avoid Immediately After Discovering Your Partner’s Sex Addiction

Mending A Shattered Heart

Living with a Sex Addict: The Basics from Crisis to Recovery

Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts

What Can I Do About Me?

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Boundaries in Marriage  (be cautious, this is NOT a good book for the addict/abuser NOT in recovery to read. They can use some of the principles to abuse you)

Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships

Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal: The Essential Tools for Healing

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone

The Gifts of Imperfection

Make My Burden Light Blog

Boundaries Blog

Betrayal Trauma Recovery Blog, Podcast, and Coaches

Healing From and Dealing With Abuse

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men

Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse

30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control In Personal Relationships

In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

How To Kill A Narcissist: Debunking The Myth Of Narcissism And Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse

Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare

How To Kill A Narcissist: Debunking The Myth Of Narcissism And Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Boundaries in Marriage  (be cautious, this is NOT a good book for the addict/abuser NOT in recovery to read. They can use some of the principles to abuse you)

Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships

Boundaries Blog

Rebuilding a Marriage

**These resources are for when you are dealing with an addict/abuser who is in active recovery. Please study and apply these principles with caution and only after reading the book Boundaries and having a solid grasp on their effective use**

An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Created for Connection: The “Hold Me Tight” Guide for Christian Couples

Seven Desires: Looking Past What Separates Us to Learn What Connects Us

International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy

What are your favorite resources for understanding and healing from betrayal trauma and abuse? Is there a resource on this list that is new to you? What are you reading now/next? What has been the most useful thing that you have learned in your study? Is there anything you would add to this list? Come on over to the Muchness Mamas Facebook group and let’s chat about it!

Talking About Pornography With Your Loved Ones

***This post contains Affiliate links. To learn more about my affiliate program click here***

Talking to those you love about pornography | Smithsquad.com | Porn harms | Fight the New Drug | Dangers of Pornography Let’s face it, the birds and bees sex talk is hard enough. Talking about pornography is even harder. The sad fact is, however, that it is something that is absolutely necessary. In our day and age pornographic images and movies are easily accessible online and children are being exposed to them at a ridiculously young age. A recent study showed that 10% of 12-year-old respondents SELF-REPORTED that they thought they were addicted to porn. 12-year-old addicts. We have to start young reaching out to our children and warning them of the dangers of pornography use.

Why do we Need to Talk About Pornography?

What are those dangers? Check out Fight the New Drug to read in-depth about the many dangers they have identified and studied:

  1. Changes the Brain
  2. Kills Love
  3. Warps Ideas About Sex
  4. Acts Like a Drug
  5. Ruins Sex Life
  6. Leads to Violence
  7. Addictive, Leaves You Lonely
  8. Porn is Based on a Thriving Sex Slave Industry
  9. Affects your Behavior
  10. Hurts Your Partner
  11. Destroys Marriages
  12. Addiction Escalates
  13. Porn is created From Lies

Talking to those you love about pornography | Smithsquad.com | Porn harms | Fight the New Drug | Dangers of Pornography

It is crucial that parents have open honest conversations with themselves and their kids about the damaging effects of pornography. Fact is that many of us don’t initially recognize the dangers of pornography and once we do we don’t know how to talk about it with those we love. Here are some resources that will help:

Resources for Educating Kids

The Guideline– a free e-book created by Fight the New Drug

How to Talk to Your Kids about Pornography by Dina Alexander

Good Pictures Bad Pictures by Kristen A Jensen

Fight the New Drug blog, and Facebook Page

Resources for Those Struggling With Addiction

Fortify is a video based online recovery program

12 Step recovery groups; SA, SAA, SLAA, SCA, and SRA

Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Lasser

Out of the Shadows by Patrick J. Carnes

Certified Sex Addiction Therapists

LDS addiction Recovery Program

Resources for Those With Addicted Loved Ones

12 Step Programs S-Anon, COSA, PoSARC

Mending a Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes

Shattered Vows by Debra Lasser

Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

LDS Spouse and Family Support Guide and Groups 

 

Have you been affected by pornography addiction in yourself or a loved one? Have you struggled to talk about the dangers of pornography with those you love? What resources have you found to help?