The 5 Love Languages- Understanding How We Give and Receive Love

Have you ever struggled with feeling like you are loved and appreciated in your marriage, parenthood, friendship, or other relationship? On the flip side have you ever felt like you were showing an overwhelming amount of love only to have someone tell you that they don’t feel appreciated? You might be dealing with a love language barrier. Have you heard of the five love languages before? You can learn all about them in the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman, but here’s a little summary for you.

The Five Love Languages | muchnessmama.com | Quality Time | Words of Affirmation | Gifts | Physical Touch | Acts of Service | Relationship advice | marriage | Couples Therapy

A Summary of the Five Love Languages

The love languages are the ways in which we both give and receive love. They are physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. You both receive and give love through these languages. Pretty much everyone has 1-2 dominant languages. Some people speak the same language as they hear, while others speak and hear different languages. If you aren’t sure what your language is check out this quiz.

The Five Love Languages | muchnessmama.com | Quality Time | Words of Affirmation | Gifts | Physical Touch | Acts of Service | Relationship advice | marriage | Couples Therapy

Are You Speaking Your Loved Ones’ Language?

While knowing your own love language can be very insightful, it is also important to know what the dominant language is for those you love. Whether it’s a spouse, friend, or child if you really want to show them the most love possible you have to speak their language. What is an amazing gesture for you may fall flat if you do the same for a spouse. By not speaking in their language, or worse by punishing in their language, you can really inhibit their ability to feel loved. For example if you have a child who has the dominant love language of words of affirmation a critical statement can cut them far deeper than it may a different child. If your spouse’s love language is acts of service and you are constantly asking them to serve you without returning the favor then their love bank will go into the negative pretty quickly.

The Five Love Languages | muchnessmama.com | Quality Time | Words of Affirmation | Gifts | Physical Touch | Acts of Service | Relationship advice | marriage | Work Relationships

Can You Hear What Others Are Saying?

Even more important than learning to speak another language is learning to hear the language that they are speaking. As an acts of service person it is sometimes hard to feel love from my kids. I mean come on, how often do small children spontaneously clean the bathroom or fold the laundry? I need to learn to hear in the way that they do say I Love you to me. The hugs and kisses, the weeds (flowers) brought in from outside, the pictures they draw just for me. I have the choice to sit here and feel sorry for myself that no one appreciates me because if they did they’d help out with the housework more, or I can choose to feel loved by all the little things my kids do every day that say I love you to me. It’s easy to do with my kids. It’s harder to do with my husband. He’s a grown-up afterall. I should be able to tell him my love language and have him just give me what I want right? Nope. Just like learning Spanish Chinese, Russian or Arabic it takes work to learn to speak a new language, and some languages are harder for us than others. My husband is a words of affirmation adn physical touch kind of guy. I’ve had to learn to accept those things from him as signs of love as well as communicating to him when I really just need a service done for me.

The Five Love Languages | muchnessmama.com | Quality Time | Words of Affirmation | Gifts | Physical Touch | Acts of Service | Relationship advice | marriage | Friendship

Focus on Giving, Not Getting

As a child I was primarily a physical touch speaker adn receiver. I was constantly wanting to be hugged and cuddled. I always wanted to give my friends hugs. I liked to roughhouse. Hubs and I should make a perfect match then, right? Being as we’re both physical touch people. Nope. While discussing love languages a few days ago I had the realization that physical touch is actually second lowest on my list right now. What changed? I realized that it had dropped lower and lower as I felt like physical touch was taken from me rather than freely given. The touches between my husband and I had become focused on him taking what he needed to feel loved, not giving me what I needed. For example he would try to grab me for a big hug and kiss and let’s just hold each other for a few minutes when I was in the middle of cooking dinner and worried that things were going to burn if I didn’t attend to them immediately. I began to resent his physical touch rather than treasuring it. As we have been researching a lot about bonding behaviors he has started using physical touch as a way to give, not just take. Now he does things like give me a massage when my shoulders hurt from carrying a grumpy baby all day, brush my hair, simply sit close enough to touch shoulders at church. By focusing his physical touch on giving not only is he helping me feel more loved and respected, but he’s finding that I am much more ready and willing to speak his love language and engage in nourishing physical touch with him rather than trying to push him away out of irritation. On the flip side I also find that the more I go out of my way to serve my husband (my primary love language, acts of service) he naturally returns the favor. As we’ve each focused more on giving we’ve allowed the other to do the same and we are both finding our love buckets are much fuller than they were when we were both just trying to get what we needed.

The Five Love Languages | muchnessmama.com | Quality Time | Words of Affirmation | Gifts | Physical Touch | Acts of Service | Relationship advice | marriage | Parenting

Learning More About the Five Love Languages

Gary Chapman has written several books about this topic. Start off with the basic book “The Five Love Languages” which will guide you through each language and teach you how you can both give and receive in each language. After that there are several books that are directed at specific audiences such as military, children, singles, men, and teenagers. Dr. Chapman has also written several other great relationship books which you can view here. Don’t forget to check out the official Five Love Languages website and Dr. Chapman’s Facebook page as well.

Do you know what your love language is? How has knowing yours and loved ones love languages helped you or how do you think it can help you in the future? Come join the Muchness Mamas Facebook Community to join in on the conversation.

The Leaky Bucket-Managing Your Daily Energy Reserves

I had always imagined my energy reserves as a big metal bucket full of water. This bucket had holes all over the bottom constantly spitting out water as a small stream ran in. In my little mental cartoon I was manically trying to plug as many holes as I could to make sure my bucket didn’t drain faster than it could fill. As you can imagine that was a rather messy and quite impossible task.

managing your daily energy reserves | mucnessmama.com | introvert | extrovert |energy draining | energy filling | leaky bucket

Then I watched “Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life” with Stanford professors Bill Burnett and Dave Evans on CreativeLive. They had the students make a chart. On the chart they were supposed to list their top 10-15 tasks that they typically did every day. Then they were supposed to use a bar to represent whether that task was energy filling or energy draining. Make sure to really think about this part. Draining doesn’t always mean unpleasant. I LOVE our weekly homeschool coop meetings. Being surrounded by 20-30 noisy kids for ~3 hours is still VERY draining for an introvert mom, no matter how much fun we are having. What they said next surprised me. I thought they were going to talk about how to get rid of or reduce the energy draining activities, AKA plugging the holes in the bucket. Instead they started to brainstorm on how you could manage your overall energy reserves by either changing the draining activity to a filling one, or creating a fill-drain-fill sandwich.

Changing an Energy Drainer to a Filler

So how do we CHANGE that draining activity into a filling activity? One example they gave was the daily board meeting. Instead of having it in the boardroom why not meet at the coffee house around the corner before going in to work and have some drinks and snacks while you talk? For those of us who stay at home why not turn on your favorite dancing music and sing along while doing dishes? By pairing a draining activity with a filling one your total energy balance after the activity will be much higher than before.

The Energy Fill Sandwich

What do you do when you can’t change an activity to make it less draining and more filling? Bill and Dave suggested the fill-drain-fill sandwich. In a work setting maybe you go for a short walk before the awful board meeting then treat yourself to a yummy healthy lunch afterwards. At home you may have hot shower, do the house cleaning, then take a quiet moment to read a book. By sandwiching a draining activity in between two filling activities you make sure your bucket is overflowing before it starts draining and then replenished after it’s drained.

Balancing the Fill and Drain Rates

While getting rid of energy draining activities certainly helps self care isn’t all about getting rid of the things that drain you. Fact is there are certain draining things that just have to be done. Living life drains energy. It’s just impossible to plug every hole in the bucket. When I started to shift my focus from plugging holes to increasing the water flowing in my energy level has gotten and stayed higher throughout the day. Instead of a 2 hour laundry marathon I now write a blog post (energy filling), fold a basket or two (majorly energy draining), then take some time to do a little art. I’ve been able to enjoy my kids more, feel more satisfied with my life at the end of the day and I find that I am getting a LOT more accomplished. Washing dishes doesn’t seem like quite the same torture it was before when I know my calligraphy pen is waiting for me when I’m done. The best part is that when the unexpected drains occur (three year old temper tantrums come to mind) my energy reserves are higher allowing me to better handle stressful situations.

What are your biggest energy drains and fillers? What can you do to restructure your activities or schedule to better regulate the flow of incoming energy adn keep your bucket full? Come join the Muchness Mamas Facebook community to continue the discussion!

If You Take Seven Kids on a Cross Country Roadtrip

Today I have a little story for you. This is a story based on real events that occurred last week.

If You Take Seven Kids on a Cross Country Roadtrip

If you put seven kids in their carseats they’re sure to ask “how long till we get there?”

When you answer their question “three days” they’ll be sure to moan and complain and ask for a snack.

If you give them a snack then they’ll want a drink to go with it.

If you give them a drink they will need to take a potty break…every half hour…for the whole trip.

When you stop for a potty break they are sure to ask for time to play.

If you give them time to play then someone is bound to get in a fight.

When you end the fight and order them back into the car there will be much moaning and carrying on.

As you get back in the car you will discover that the Air Conditioner is no longer blowing cold air.

cross-country road trip| big family road trip | road trip horror story | travelling with kids | route 66 | driving cross-country
When the AC is out and the windows are down you ski the make-up and rock the mom-bun and headband

When you realize that your AC compressor that has been making a lot of noise has finally died you will roll down the windows.

When you’ve had enough of the noisy kids, wind in your face, and sweating you’ll decide to stop for the night.

Then you stop you’ll discover that you are in a tiny town with a less than impressive selection of hotel rooms.

You’ll end up in a not so lovely motel room with a teeny tiny bathtub barely deep enough to cool down the one year old in.

Once you get the kiddos cooled down it will be time to get them in bed.

This will require many repeatings of “LAY DOWN AND BE QUIET!” as they wiggle and giggle enjoying the adventure.

While trying to get the one year old to sleep she will smack you in the face scratching your eyeball.

cross-country road trip| big family road trip | road trip horror story | travelling with kids | route 66 | driving cross-country

After just a few hours of sleep your alarm will go off so that you can get everyone back in the car before the heat of the day really hits.

Day two will be filled with more snacks, drinks, and potty breaks along with about 50 million “how long till we got to…?” type questions.

As the sun comes up you will discover that your eyeball is hurt enough that you can no longer keep it open, and you are now driving with one eye closed.

When you can’t handle any more heat blowing in the window you will once again stop for the night.

As you pull into the parking lot your engine will die and the car won’t restart.

You’ll decide to wait till morning to see if it’s just overheated.

When you get up at 5 in the morning the car will start, but immediately start rattling and smoking.

You’ll call around and discover that there aren’t any mechanics shops open until 8 am.

You’ll go back to your room for a few more hours of sleep only to discover that your children are all wide awake and ready for breakfast.

After you fill their tummies you’ll start calling mechanics shops.

A few hours later you’ll be back on the road, still without air conditioning.

cross-country road trip| big family road trip | road trip horror story | travelling with kids | route 66 | driving cross-country

Then it will start raining.

When it rains you’ll just get wet, because that’s better than shutting the windows and frying.

After another full day of whining, snacking, drinking, peeing, and fighting, you’ll bribe the kids with chocolate if they will just be silent for a few hours.

Once they’ve had enough chocolate they will all fall asleep.

cross-country road trip| big family road trip | road trip horror story | travelling with kids | route 66 | driving cross-country

At about midnight mom will need a potty break. You’ll discover that there is nowhere to stop for about 40 miles, so you will drive 7 miles in the wrong direction to get to a bathroom.

As you are returning to your route you will get pulled over by a policeman who would like to inform you that the light on your license plate is out.

When the policeman pulls you over he will want to inform you that he is also from Georgia, and tell you all about road tripping with his doge and his 6-year-old daughter who likes to beat up her 11-year-old sister.

When the policeman finally stops talking to you, you will continue driving a little over an hour and finally arrive at Grandma’s house at 2AM.

When you try to get your kids right into bed they will be too excited and you will once again have to threaten immediate death to anyone who can not be silent.

After you enjoy your visit to Grandma’s house you will once again be cajoling seven kids into their car seats while listening to “how long till we get there?” and dreading what is going to go wrong this time on the three-day trip home.

It’s All About Perspective

I will fully admit to shedding a few tears and doing a fair bit of “woe is me” complaining in my head. You see the last time I made this trip six years ago my AC and power steering went out during the trip, 2 of my then 3 kids got sick, I also was sick, my debit card got shut off, and our 3 day trip turned into 4 adding a fair bit of expense that we hadn’t planned for. Once I arrived my transmission went out so we just sold the car and flew home. That isn’t really an option this time with seven kiddos, so I’m stuck having to repeat this experience, hopefully with a few less mishaps, in a few weeks.

In both cases I have a choice. I can choose to focus on all that has gone wrong and be miserable, or I can choose to search for the blessings in the midst of trial. When my car dies on me I was in a hotel parking lot. It could have been the middle of nowhere on a close to 100 degree day. Instead of being stuck waiting for a tow I was able to move my children into a safe comfortable place with very nice and helpful staff. We were blessed to find a local mechanic who was fair, honest, and got us fixed up and back on the road as quick as possible. I was INCREDIBLY lucky to have my father driving with me. He helped pay for expenses, drove when I couldn’t keep my eye open, and kept me cheerful and laughing when things looked their worst. It also doesn’t hurt to have him say “Do you want Grandpa to be mad at you?” and have the 2-year-old instantly quiet down and go to bed! The biggest blessing has been seeing just how much people in this world love and care about my family. There has been so much concern and support expressed. My mother started a GoFundMe to help get our car fixed up before heading home and the overwhelming outpouring of monetary support has been overwhelming. Not to mention all the beautiful sights we got to see along the way.

cross-country road trip| big family road trip | road trip horror story | travelling with kids | route 66 | driving cross-country

With every trial we face in life we have the choice. We can sit and complain and wallow, or we can look for the lessons and the blessings. I have had to learn to be a bit more humble and accept service and help. I have been blessed with love and assistance, both emotional and financial. I can’t change what happened, but I can definitely choose how I react. I choose to react with gratitude for all that went right, despite this trip going so horribly wrong.

I’d love to hear about your worst, best, funniest, etc. road trips! Come join the Muchness Mamas Facebook Community and let’s chat!

The Dreaded Baby Bump and Why it Just Won’t Disappear

 

 

“I am not pregnant, but I have had three kids and there is a bump. From now on, ladies, I will have a bump, and it will be my baby bump. It’s not going anywhere. Its name is Violet, Sam and Sera.”

-Jennifer Garner

Like Jennifer I too have a lovely baby bump. Having had nine babies there are those that will tell me it’s just part of motherhood and I should embrace it, but I don’t accept that!

Most share this message to say love your body. Of course I agree with that, but today I have a different message. It’s fine to be sad about your bump. It’s ok to wish it away. It’s normal to have your feelings hurt when people ask if you are pregnant. It’s understandable to hate the fact that none of your clothes fit right. It’s perfectly acceptable to cry about it. It’s common to wear shape wear. Ladies it is ok to do whatever you want to do so that you can walk out that door feeling confident and beautiful. You are amazing and you deserve to feel like your outside reflects what’s on the inside!

It’s especially ok to say “I’m not going to let this baby bump hang around!” Yes, we need to have realistic expectations. We need to give ourselves time, but a baby bump does not have to be permanent. A long-lasting baby bump is often the result of a condition called diastasis recti, and I’ve got good news for you, YOU CAN HEAL IT!!!

What is Diastasis Recti?

Diastasis recti occurs when the left and right halves of the abdominal muscle (Rectus Abdominis) separate. You then only have a thin band of tissue connecting these two halves of the muscle which is not enough support for all of your internal organs. Your belly then bulges out because there isn’t anything strong enough to hold it in.  Diastasis Recti can also lead to other problems such as a weak pelvic floor and lower back pain.

After my 6th child I had a gap that my entire hand could fit inside. Through careful work I was able to narrow that gap down to two fingers and keep it there throughout pregnancies 7 and 8. Three months after baby #9 and I don’t have a noticeable gap at all.

Preventing Diastasis Recti

The focus of both prevention and healing is to focus on exercises that pull your core muscles in and up while avoiding exercises that cause them to push forward. For example sit-ups are absolutely horrible for diastasis recti, yet most people are regularly doing them! Pelvic tilts, on the other hand are excellent. When getting out of bed I’d be willing to bet that you sit straight up and then swing your legs over the edge of the bed; am I right? If you struggle with a baby bump try this instead, roll onto your side and then push up with your arms to avoid putting pressure on those stomach muscles.

Prenatal yoga is one of my favorite ways to strengthen my body in a safe and gentle way. It is important to maintain focus on pulling the navel in and up throughout the session. Yoga moves can easily transition from helpful to damaging if you allow your form to engage incorrectly. Be especially careful during twisting moves, as these can tend to push muscles outwards as we try to twist more than our body is ready to do correctly.

When doing other exercise programs simply be careful to focus on keeping that abdominal wall pulled in and up throughout the program. If joining an exercise class keep in mind that most instructors are not educated about the cause and risks of diastasis recti. It is best to research specific modifications on your own before attending class, so that you will know what to do.

Wearing a maternity support belt during pregnancy is another useful prevention tool. By relieving  giving extra support to your abdominal muscles you can help prevent the ligament stretching that causes a stubborn gap.

Healing Diastasis Recti

So how do you know if you have a problem? Follow the steps in this video to find out if you have diastasis recti and how big your gap is.

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” is especially true when talking about diastasis recti. While many women are able to heal their gaps through a focused exercise regimen combined with belly binding there are those who need to consider surgery to repair the stretched out fascia muscles. Unfortunately this seems to have a lot more to do with luck or genetics than it does how hard you work postpartum to close the gap.

There are arguments both for and against belly wrapping as a healing tool for a large gap. Many say that it allows the ligament to retract and regain it’s tight elasticity. Others say it can squeeze your internal organs out-of-place leading to a uterine prolapse or bladder incontinence. Here’s what I think after doing a lot of research: binding is helpful, when done properly and in conjunction with an appropriate exercise regimen. Binding should be snug, but not tight. You should still be able to move and breathe easily. Binding should not be worn all day every day, your muscles need a chance to work on their own if you want them to get stronger. I use a Squeem for every-day wear under clothes. Supportive shapewear is also a good option for support without excessive squeeze. I also have an EzyFit for a little extra support without too much squeeze while working out. I do not wear my binder to bed and only wear it for a few hours each day. I would not recommend a tight corset, waist trainer, or anything that restricts your breathing or movement.

 

Binding on its own will do more harm than good. You also need a good exercise regimen. An exercise program needs to focus on strengthening the abdominals in conjunction with the pelvic floor and back. As a former Certified PErsonal Trainer I am comfortable just working out on my own at home or at the gym. You aren’t likely to find a DR friendly class at your local gym. Armed with the knowledge shared here, however, you should eb able to modify any program to work for you. If you don’t mind working out at home there are several great options.  Lindsay Brin has an excellent post natal slim down DVD if you are looking for a simple work-out. If you want a more intense program check out the MuTu system or The Dia Method. These are a bit more expensive, but are also more focused specifically on healing your diastasis recti.

Love Yourself, but Strive for Your Best Self

Now I have to add that it’s important to love your body the way it is. You have accomplished something amazing by growing and birthing a new life. Honor those tiger stripes mama; you earned them! Then go ahead and tell yourself this isn’t the best you can be and you want, no you DESERVE more!  You are of infinite worth and should be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what you see. Sometimes that just means altering our mindset, but often it means working on altering our physical appearance in a healthy manner. Most often it requires both working together. Give yourself grace to be where you are while still striving to be the best self that you know you can be.

Do you have diastasis recti? What methods have you used to heal it? Please feel free to share any additional tips or resources in the comments.

Ducks in a Row- 4 Tips for Balancing Motherhood and Business

balancing work and motherhood | being a work at home mom | WAHM | large family logistics | managing a big family | working from home with lots of kids | motherhood management

What is life like in a 940 sq ft house containing 8 little ducklings ages 9 and under?

A bit crazy.

Add in a dash of homeschooling, a pinch of Dad being gone 90% of the time trucking and a heaping tablespoon of Mom trying to run a business and you have a recipe for utter chaos!

ducks in a row| baby makes a mess | large family | big family | homeschooling | chaos |work at home mom |business owner | mom boss
Run it all out little ones, then maybe we can get a nap!

Getting my ducks in a row…or not.

So how do I manage? How do I get my ducks all in the same pond, even if ducks in a row is completely out of the question?

Well first of all I just have to learn to embrace a bit of the craziness. Let’s face it. Life in this home will NEVER be calm even if the house doubles in size and the kiddos are all five years older. I sighed and rolled my eyes as I picked up the recycling mess today, but who can resist smiling at that proud little one year old who found the prized soda can that she was after?

Second I’ve had to learn to be flexible while still maintaining good routines. Kids need to know what to expect, but with this many people and the joys of running a business, it’s pretty much impossible to keep a set schedule. We have a morning routine of getting dressed, feeding the animals, feeding ourselves, then having outside playtime. In the evening we feed animals, have dinner, get ready for bed, then have our family scripture time. I also try to give my kids as much warning as I can when it’s time for an activity change, so that they aren’t being yanked around feeling like they have no control over their lives.

Third I’ve had to practice some major time management with my businesses. I’m still working on this one. Sometimes I get lost in the tiny details of a digital painting or spend way too much time putting together LuLaRoe outfits. Every now and then I look at the clock and say to myself “Oh crap, I have children to feed. Guess I’d better make lunch now that it’s 1:30.” One thing I have discovered that really does help me out is using Cinchshare and Hootsuite to schedule my posts. This is especially useful when I’m doing an online party. I can schedule out all my posts in advance when I have time (usually after kiddos are in bed), and then all I have to do is focus on interacting and having fun with my guests.

Fourth I just pray for serenity and hide for a bit in my room when I just need a break! Seriously though, self-care is a HUGE part of maintaining my sanity. It is so easy to get caught up in the needs and wants of everyone around me that I often forget to take care of me. No one can get water from an empty well, so I have to make sure I have time to fill myself if I’m going to be able to adequately care for my family and business. I try to make sure I have a little me time at the end of every day to decompress and relax before bed. I’ll watch a show, read a book, edit some personal photos, do some art, or take a bath while sipping my Mother’s Milk tea mixed with sleepy time tea.

digital painting | muchnessmama.com | digital artist | St. John the Baptist Cathedral | Savannah Georgia | watercolor painting | photoshop painting
I love taking photographs and turning them into paintings. Such a relaxing activity for me.

I’d be lying if I told you that this life is perfect. It’s hard. We have our struggles. I have my days where I just want to give up on it all. Overall though I do love my crazy chaotic life. The sticky kisses, too tight hugs, and numerous “I Love You’s” make it all worth it! Organized little ducks in a row will never happen here, but we are happily splashing away in our little pond quite content to be there.

If you’d like to chat with me and other women who are trying to figure out this whole work/life balancing act come join the Muchness Mamas community on Facebook!

Self-Care is NOT Selfish!

self care is not selfish | self love | put on your own oxygen mask | take care of yourself | self care for mom | self love quotes | self care quotes

“You have to put your own oxygen mask on first” How often have you heard that phrase? I know I’ve heard it every time I fly. I’ve also heard it thrown around a lot in reference to motherhood and wifehood. What does it really mean?

Often as women we find ourselves putting everyone else first. We serve, serve, serve, until we are totally burned out. Now don’t get me wrong, selfless service is a VERY good thing, but even the best things in unhealthy amounts can be damaging. So how do you determine when you need to back off, say no, and practice some self care?

I’ll let you know when I figure it out! Seriously though here’s the difference in my mind. Self-care is putting your NEEDS above other people’s WANTS. Selfish is putting your WANTS above other people’s NEEDS.

self care is not selfish | self love | put on your own oxygen mask | take care of yourself | self care for mom | self love quotes | self care quotes

 

Usually determining this is pretty easy. I NEED to eat breakfast. My kid WANTS me to play with them. The hard part comes in when you and another person have conflicting needs. I NEED sleep. My baby NEEDS to be fed in the middle of the night. Now I have to figure out how we can both get what we need. Sometimes determining if something is a need or a want can be difficult too. We all want time off to just relax and rejuvenate. At a certain point this becomes a need. Once the need has been met it once again becomes a want. It is especially difficult in marriage to balance this seesaw between things that can at any time be a want or a need for either spouse.

What is Muchness, and Where did it Go?

what is muchness | muchnessmama.com | you've lost your muchness| finding yourself | stay at home mom | working mom

A few years ago I watched Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland” and absolutely loved it. As I watched, however, it took a lot to fight back the tears. It was like watching a fantastical version of my own life. Precocious imaginative child grows up to become a mere shadow of her real self. She has completely forgotten who she was. While doing her best to please everyone around her and live up to societal expectations she loses her muchness and now believes “I don’t slay, I couldn’t even if I wanted to.”

I’m not sure when exactly everything changed for me. When I stopped being the real me and started being what I thought everyone wanted from me. The result was, however, that I was a pretty empty shell of a person. My mouth smiled, but it rarely spread to my eyes. I would answer the question “how are you ?” with “Great!”, then feel sick inside because I knew it was a lie. I had a hard time sleeping, even though I was perpetually exhausted. I spent my days cooking, cleaning, booger wiping, diaper changing, and doing everything else to take care of my family. No matter how hard I worked I felt like a failure because I never got my to do list done. I often did nothing other than the necessities to keep my kids alive. Why bother busting your butt to achieve perfection when you are just going to fail anyway? I was a total mombie!

 

muchnessmama.com | alice in wonderland | mad hatter | tim burton | alice in wonderland quotes | mad hatter quotes | muchness | you've lost your muchness

I wasting my life away trying so hard to make everyone around myself happy. Now don’t get me wrong, there is great value in serving others and some of the greatest joy in life is found in service, but I wasn’t doing it the right way. I was so focused on what others wanted, not what they needed, and they all wanted different things. I would never be pretty enough, good enough, talented enough. My house would never be clean enough, or children as well-behaved as they should.  Pleasing everyone is just impossible and the more I tried the more of my muchness I lost. I completely lost sight of the importance of self-cer in my life.

Just like Alice I was lost in a world where everyone told me who I should be, and who I was. What I should be doing, and what I shouldn’t. This left me feeling empty, drained, and completely inadequate. One day, just like Alice, I finally woke up. “This is my dream…I make the path!”

I choose who I am. I choose what I value. I have a choice, and I can slay my Jabberwock. I can’t really tell you the story of the moment when everything turned around. It’s not just my story to tell. I can tell you it was with the help of one kind compassionate friend who told me “Whatever you decide I will support you 100%”.  I was set free. I was empowered to make a choice that was best for ME and follow it through knowing that if I fell it was ok. Someone was there to catch me and help me learn how to fly.

It was time for me to stop making excuses and start making changes. I was no longer willing to be a passive observer in my own life. As I started living my life with more intention and thoughtfulness things have begun to fall into place. I have been blessed to meet people and have experiences that I never imagined possible. I have learned so much about myself and who I am. I have a voice again. The precocious child who knows who she is and what she wants in life is back! I’m back. I have my muchness. I know who I am.

I am not ashamed or embarrassed by others negative thoughts on large families. I hold my head high when other women tell me that I am damaging their feminist movement by choosing to stay home. I ignore those who tell me that I am somehow hurting my kids by homeschooling them, or worse hurting the rest of the world by not having my kids in public school. I create the art that I love, without guilt for spending time on it or fear that others won’t like it. I am open and honest about my needs and desires with my spouse. I’ve put more appropriate limits on my children and taught them to be more independent. I bought new clothes for myself, at retail instead of from the thrift store, and they have the fun colors and patterns that I love. I get up, dress up, and show up for my life every day (well almost every day, every girl needs a day to veg out in their pajamas with netflix every now and again) I’m even planning to dye my hair crazy colors as I always dreamed, but was afraid was inappropriate.

And now I am ready to carry what I’ve found forward and use it to bless YOU!

If you are struggling to find your muchness don’t give up. You can do it. You are a wonderfully unique individual and the world needs your beauty! Just jump, because if you do you just may fly and if you don’t, well then pick up the pieces and move forward with your head high. Failure is nothing more than the quickest path to success.

It’s your life. YOU make the path.

If you’d like to talk to other women who are on this path of self-discovery come join our Facebook community!